The Saturday Evening Posts: Social Media

What an Ugly word. What an ugly concept. Prior to Facebook who would have imagined a word that sounds so casually mean-spirited? But Unfriending is a more than a word, it is a phenomenon that anyone using social media is aware of. Opinions vary as to when it is okay to Unfriend someone on Facebook. The general online concensus as refereced in a few of my links is that there really is no concensus governing when it is okay to unfriend someon on social media. Opinions range from, It's your page, you can do whatever you want to, better think twice before you do it, to there are very few good reasons to Unfriend anyone.

Obviously, the context from which the source is offering their opinion makes a big difference. But do you really need to be told what is right when it comes to Unfriending? Okay, I have a simple rule to help you mkae these decisons. Simple use your middle finger--that's right--your BAD FINGER, when clicking the Unfriend command on Facebook. Because this is really what you are saying.

Those who appear to qualify as experts on social media and social networking seem to take the stance that nothing is gained from unfriending someone unless they are intentionally trying tocause you a harm. There are less-terminal to ways keep annoying posts out of your face, without risking any negative fallout from Unfriending someone. Some seem to feel that it should not matter how a person is treated on Facebook. Others say that Facebook is a reflection of real life and that you should never behave any differently than you would in real life. Niether of these positions guides us much because people behave differently in real life too. Some people tend to be courteous and sensitive to the feelings of others while some people are not. People from certain geographies tend to use a more defined sense of manners and some people think such conventions are nonsense.

I am from the Southern United States, but I have lived in and traveled to a lot of different places. I do understand that manners governing Southern Gentilism are somehow considered sexist or racist by some supposed antrhopologists who think they understand them but who obviously don't--or they may just be felt too cumbersome by others. I can tell you this, that my generally reserved and perhaps overly considerate Southern Ettiquette has never failed to get me through some of the most tenuos social situations in every place in the world I have used them. Such manners were after-all carefully developed as alternatives to duels to the death with fancy black-powder pistols.

I have taught self-defense classes from time to time. In these classes I have always taught that the best self-defense is avoiding situations that require any further self-defense. This may not always be possible, but common sense tells us that if you are not intentionally rude or confrontational and if you treat all people with respect and dignity--a great many situations requiring self-defense can be avoided. Simply put, if you are nice to people, they are not as inclined to kill you. Wa-la! Isn't it odd how this works.

I had a doctor friend, one of my doctors with whom I became friends, who told me that he had once been prone to impatience while driving--you know--we sometimes call it road-rage. He told about how he routinely drove agressively and often mouthed oaths and flipped people off while driving. He didn't behave this way in other situations, but he told me that his sports car seemed to change his normal personality and unleashed some inner beast while driving. He told me that he was miraculously cured of this condition one day when he pulled to the shoulder to check for a low tire-- just a few moments after cutting in front of someone, causing a scene, and finally flipping them off.

He said he had not paid much attention to the car that had also pulled to the should a good bit behind him. My doctor said that he was kneeling to check the pressure with a tire guage when he heard footsteps and saw a shadow. Just as he turned he saw a guy who he recognized as the other driver from minutes before--bearing down on him with a malicious grin and a tire iron. My doctor had apparently met his match when it came to roadrage. You hear of homicides that start with roadrage incidents. People are emotional. people have pride and all of its associated emotional trimmings. When people feel that they have been dissed in some way--bad things can happen.

So why would anyone think tha the Internet or social media is any different? Of course there are always going to be people and groups of people who want to place themselves above others--who want to belong to an exclusive class of the elite--to make themselves feel that they are better somehow. There are those people born and bred to one class or another who think nothing of this tendency toward elitism. They think nothing of it, because they genuinely fancy themselves as better than others. This is real life elitism and of course it is going to pervade any medium where it is allowed.

There have been a few times when I have asked to be friends with someone on Facebook, whom I felt completely unreserved about asking--whom I legitimately thought there was no problem with doing so. Maybe I had not seen them for a many years, but I felt that as I built my social network they would certainly gain as much or more from sharing a Facebook Friendship as I would. But I would at some point realized that my friendship was never confirmed. I might have first thought, oh, well, they must not be on Facebook much, or that they had merely overlooked the Friend Request, or that some Facebook glitch prevented them from either getting the request or responding. Fat chance!

A few times, early on, I have even been so bold as to send a second friend request. In these instances when you get no response, I start thinking, is this person mad at me? Did I unknowingly do something that offended this person? Has this person become so arrogant as to feel they so far out-class me that they are actually snubbing me. Whaaaaa? A person can be very secure in their own self-confidence and self-image and still feel emotionally hurt when another person appears to snub them. Snubbing someone is an intentional put-down that has long been used to tell someone that they are of no worth to the other--that they are not important or desirable or good enough to deserve the other person's attention.

Historically, the human group has used exclusion to confer punishment upon those whom they did not approve of. Organizations have black-balled such people. Intitutions have withheld or revoked membership of people who didn't measure up. Religions have shunned or excommunicated wayward members who have behaved badly in order to whip them into line or let them know that they were no longer part of the approved body main. And even families have disowned members who failed to obey the family rules or live up to their expectations. Snobbery in one form or another is a basic to the human nature as is the desire for acceptance.

Nothing hurts worse than approval withheld by those from whom it is desired. Disapproval has been at the root of all human conflict surely since way before the beginnin gof human history. Snubbing has always been intended to devide from the group or to devide a group or to hurt those toward whom it is directed. Exclusion is among the cruelist and most universally understood human action. Even monkeys routinely use it. It is the difference between an outstretched hand and a smile--as opposed to a clinched fist and a frown. Exclusion and disapproval--or even tacit failure to approve--is the root cause of war and human hatred at the most guteral level.

The interseting thing about being a exclusionary on Facebook is that before you can exclude anyone, you must first either request to be someone elses Facebook Friend or you must confirm someone elses's Friend Request. If you don't, you find yourself excluded from Facebook, which is okay, maybe even advisable--but it is becoming less likely for every day that passes. Ours is a digitally connected world. It is possible to be exclusionary by yourself, but you are then probalby the only one who knows or cares or suffers from a loss is you. People who use their typical methods of social ostracism to keep people in their places socially, academically, or economically are finding that they don't work so well on Facebook. It would seem that the whole purpose for being on Facebook is to be as socially inclusive as possible. Anything less is a losing strategy and mostly a waste of time.

Friending someone on Facebook is not much like actually becoming their friend. You are not making any commitments to them; you are not risking anything more by becoming friends with one person than you are with another. If you are careful about your privacy settings and at least make a cursory effort to identify who is asking to be your friend your exposure to identity theft and privacy invasion, friending someone on Facebook is no more nor less than anywhere on the Internet. It is not a very high risk and there are basic things you can and should do to minimize your your exposure to such security and privacy concerns.

Children should be guided by their parents, although they usually aren't, but among adults, the rules of engagement are no more mysterious than what is acceptable in real life in real person in the real world. You will also find that the occasional sleezeball who stumbles in from Non-Christian-Bungle Dating sites--quickly get's the message. These idiots will find themselves Unfriended in a heartbeat, so don't even bother. Let someone else do it. But even if you do Unfriend them, they had to expect it.

Employeed in the fields of sales and marketing for a lot of my life, I have often heard how problematic getting on the outs with customers can be by various unscientific citations--whether saying for one of every ten or one-hundred or one-thousand happy customers it takes only one unhappy customer to undo the goodwill of all of the happy ones. It seems that almost no amount of good will can ever completely overcome the ill will of just one percieveed injustice. People are prone to remember the bad and forget the good.

These maxims come to me anytime that it crosses my mind to Unfriend someone on Facebook. There are mentally-ill, or emotionally disraught, or temporarily unhinged, or uncommonly distressed people every day who take offense where not so much offense is intended. You never know when your little straw of heaped upon unpleasantry becomes the final straw that breaks a proverbial unfriended uncamel back--maybe theirs or maybe yours. You never know when your little spark of unrest or agitation may become the spark that ignites a fuse leading to long-smouldering dynamite.

Of course we should not fear retaliation from those whom we have unintentionally offended, because we likely can do nothing to prevent such misunderstandings. But we are at least a little accountable when we ever are intentionally reckless with another feelings--however justified we may feel. I have had a few people Unfriend me on Facebook. I think. What gets me most is why did they either confirm my Facebook Friend Request or Request my Friending--if they are then going to Unfriend me?

But when it has happens, thankfully rarely, I would like to play it off as something else--that maybe they felt to end one account and begin another and just have not got around to Friending me. Or that it was merely a glitch or a mistake. I may even have Unfriended one or more people o Facebook. I can't think of any offhand, but Facebook has been at least as new to me as it is to others--and protocols and purposes has been being similarly worked out for us all.

I do know that once I have even a hint that someone has either failed to acknowledge or confirm a friendship or once they disappear from my Friends list I am more reluctant to friend anyone else for fear of a repeat. I will absolutely NOT expose myself to a repeat of this minor sting of my feelings. And I will wonder forever or until resolved why such things happened. And although I like to think of myself as a very fair and unprejudiced person, I fear that I may one day let myself and my principles down when I find myself in a position of being or even just knowing some mutual someone whereby I might exert just a whisper of a hint of influence that might rob a person who has Unfriended me of gaining favor.

I sometimes reflect on leaving a place where I worked one time with another employee owing me money. It was a gentleman's agreement to split a commission. I let the sale accrue to the other guys advantage, out of the fancied goodness of my heart in order that he might achieve some quota or contest or such thing, with the understanding that he would pay me out of his own commission. Having no official record of the agreement or even of the transaction, it was merely the gentlemenness of the agreement that was put to the test.

This person, for whatever reason, chose to not honor our agreement. It was a significant amount of money. I let it go with the heartfelt belief that what goes around comes around. I suppose it could have been some fifteen or so years later when I was set to team interview a candidate for a job for which he was applying. I did not have a name or even a good description of the applicants work history and qualifications. All I know was that a familiar face older and a little more pained with angst and age appeared in the glass office that flanked mine, where the first interview was to occur.

I tried to hold back emotions, and had determined that I would not allow our previous history to keep me from approving this guy's employment if indeed he turned out to be the best candidate. But when I arose upon his entry for my interview, I observed the guys face turn a little ashen when he recognized me. I was about to extend my hand when my old unfriend's face fell and he seemed to almost shrink in my presence, and he sort of half giggled and half-choked as he said my name, and then cursed under his breath and turned on his heels without further fanfare and departed without ever saying anything else. His own conscience and his own consciousness of his guilt had convicted him in my presence before I had even interviewed him. I had been already forgiven him and justified his actions to myself--but he did not allow himself to proceed with the interview.

All I am saying is don't hide behind some Dear Abby article you have read or some justification that says it is okay for you to knowingly push a button in an act that is actually called UNFRIENDING someone, and ever think that this person will not be offended at some level, let alone irreparably hurt. That they may even come to hate you. And if they have any other friend--with increasing likelihood if they have lots of friends--that your failure to be kind or your willingness to be unkind or to even be hurtful--will not have a chance of coming back to bite you. Even if they forgive you--you are likely to always remember your disloyal, mean or simply thoughtless action. Your own conscience will condemn you.

There are worthy reasons for Unfriending people on Facebook. Although in most cases, you should have probably just have blocked them. There may be stalkers or bullies who are threatening to harm you. Ex's and old romantic interests who have become abusive or taunting or otherwise challenging may truly warrant the final Finger. But I have heard a lot of other reasons that really should not qualify in a civil society. Here are a few of the apparent most popular.

1) Too many posts or shares or pictures or status updates. Unless these posts are intentionally inflammatory and geared to insulting you, how much of an intrusion can these be. How long does it take to scroll down past such gang posts. Apparently this Friend feels something is important enough to say or to share with you and others. If it is not posted to your page, either ignore it or officially block it. You can also block others from seeing your posts if desired. It is my opinion that any kind of friend is valuable enough to keep as long as they are not hurting anyone.

2) You do not agree with their politics or religion. Do you withhold association with those with whom you do not agree with politically or those who hold different religious views? Do you refuse to associate with those of different races or different socioeconomic standing? Don't limit yourself too much in your social networking.

3) Too many negative posts about how lousy they feel. Maybe you have no time for them. But maybe these folks need your attention and help if you care any tiny bit about them as mere humans. Most people will go through some kind of emotionally difficult time in their lives. If you haven't you likely will. Is it really that big a burden on you to share another person's burdens for a second. Maybe you should try a friendly uplifting comment. If you just can't stand any whiners scroll past their posts and don't respond. If these people are in the depths of despair or in Major Depression, Unfriending them might just kill them.

4) Too many pictures of their ugly kids. maybe you don't have any kids.To many parents, their children are their lives. They are wrapped up in their children but the have not yet adjusted to how to socialize while having kids or they have not yet figured out that everyone's kids are just as precious as their own. It could be worse--they could be adding to the social mess and abusing their kids. Just scroll on past them. These folks are likely isolated by their circumstances and really need outside social contact.

5) Stupid or mundane status updates. Think about it. If you had such an exciting and grand life, you would probably be on Facebook less. Those who are on Facebook a lot, have a lot of tie on their hands. If you want high drama, rent a movie--or at least turn on the news. Facebook is a pretty also-ran mundane activity. Not everyone has circumstances conducive to high adventure. I personally would have no social life at all during times of greatly compromised health. That I am on Facebook at all, is a pretty pathetic statement of my own circumstances.

6) Game requests or requested participation with certain applications--with seldom any other live contact. I admit that this has sometimes gotten my goat in the past. Once I realized that these are automated and are generally the fault of the games or applications themselves and that sometimes people's Friends lists are compromised or used without their express knowledge--it became less obnoxious. I just scroll past them. Most Facebook gamers and those who seem to fall into this category are becoming more savvy to this kind of intrusion. I am seeing less of this. If we each remember that Facebook and all social media is relatively new to all of us and that the rules of acceptability are still being defined, the less prone we'll be to giving the finger to a newbie or someone who has not yet caught on.

7) Advertising and promotion used too blatantly and abundantly. I am hoping that the within the spaces of Social Media, that some social mistakes will not be repeated. I use social media as one way to post links to my blogs. At this juncture, all of my blogs are noncommercial and advertising free. I work hard on them. I am offering something that I consider worthwhile when I provide these links. Facebook provides the least referrals to my blogs of all other means. I would not suffer if I took these links off, but some people have expressed that they enjoy them. I feel like those who may not can just ignore and roll past them. Odd are that every Friend has imposed some link upon me that I did not necessarily want.

But I also take the tack that if I am surrounded only by like-minded people that I am missing opportunities to learn and to grow. so you may not think this way. so my stuff is just garbage to you. Then by all means--scroll past me without a second thought. Or Unfriend me, but if you Unfriend me remember not to bother me the next time you need advice bout such and such--which I may happen to be an expert in. Everyone is an expert in something. The ability to access so many experts whom are by the way your Friends has never be greater. Enjoy.

And if you Unfriend me, the next time we meet on the street, don't be surprised if I give you the finger and walk away. Turn about is fair play. But no, this will never happen. My Mom and Dad carefully taught me basic good manners. I will likely just smile and play it off and everything will be cool. And I will never hold a grudge, for my own peace of mind--dear unfriend.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/technology/137787/10_good_bad_ugly_reasons

http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/11/16/10-reasons-to-unfriend-someone-on-facebook/

http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/how-to-unfriend-someone-on-facebook.html

http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2011/11/20/its-okay-to-unfriend-on-facebook-emily-post-says/

http://www.11points.com/Web-Tech/11_Biggest_Reasons_People_Unfriend_You_On_Facebook

http://blog.oup.com/2009/11/unfriend-facebook/

http://thebabyboomerentrepreneur.com/1023/why-would-you-unfriend-someone-on-facebook/

http://www.heatherphysioc.com/12-reasons-to-unfriend-people-on-facebook

http://www.alexiaisaak.com/2011/07/facebook-rules-when-should-you-unfriend-someone-on-facebook.html

http://blog.timesunion.com/kristi/10-reasons-to-unfriend-someone-on-facebook/30132/

http://mylifescoop.com/2012/08/30/facebook-etiquette-how-do-i-unfriend-someone/