Just Wright

More: How to Lose Friends and Disappoint People

66. Eat hot salsa with peppers and garlic on most hot summer days, ensuring that your sweat wreaks. It will alienate vampires and all other creatures. Hug your significant others more than usual. Insist on intimacy.

67. In virtually any social situation, pick out the hosts or most popular persons. Try to see how long you can dominate their attention, keeping their eye contact strictly on you while you recite a religious and political diatribe you've memorized, longer than the Gettysburg Address. Go toe to toe and nose to nose. Works especially well in conjunction with number 66 above.

68. Smile broadly at couple members opposite your own gender. Frown and look meanly at the one of your own gender.

69. Wave heartily while eyeing the person you are waving at in the near distance, nod, and do whatever is required to get their attention. When they finally are convinced that you mean them, look past them, but take time to look back and give them a go to hell look. If necessary to pull it off, say, "Not you."

70. Cut in line and save places for your friends; if anyone objects, flip a butterfly knife at them, swear, and plead predjudice toward Lithuanian Jews. "Don't make me cut ya, dawg-isky!" Is well, spoken at this time.

71. In this and every other line you appear, step on heels and make shoe-backs fold under, and/or heels bleed.

72. Whistle or hum a non-sensical rapid and repetitious non-tune in a high or low pitch, which ever fits you least. Do it under your breath, but loud enough to be obnoxious.

73. Wear too-big horn rims and squint profoundly.

74. Allow your kids to run wild. Punish other's children for acting similarly. Encourage your kids to slug people in the stomach or groin or face depending on heights, and then to run behind you and squeal, "He/she grabbed my pee-pee."

75. Own a Harley and wear a Honda jacket. Own a mo-ped OF any kind.

76. Wear an NRA bumper stickers, alongside ones that read, "Gay and Proud, Member of Mississippi KKK."

77. Overtly ogle your wife's or husbands sisters, at funerals, church, and family get-togethers. Talk about the admiration you have for the candor of dogs you saw humping or dumping on the front lawn earlier.

78. Randomly shout, "Spank your stanky monkey!" Plead Tourettes.

79. Order quiche, asparagus, and pink salmon sushi in a cowboy steak house. If they happen to accomodate, fold the pink salmon into anatomically correct shapes and try to keep them forward facing on your nose. To aid in this antic, place two piece of asparagus in each nostril. If approached by trouble-makers, jump to your feet, leap to your chair, and then crest the tabletop with a broken bottle and say, "I'm wearing Cowboy Boots you friggin fags. Show us your pantyhose." Then kick the snot out of the biggest meanest of the bunch, who will be right at kicking level by then. Leap to the floor like Zorro and throw the nearest smallest skankiest looking person over your shoulder and flee the scene screaming diabolically, "Remember Michael (Uh, Jackson)!"

80. Sing in public. If you HAVE TOO GOOD OF A VOICE FOR THIS, SIMPLY START A CHANT, "ILLEGALS AND PEDOPHILES NEED LOVERS TOO, YEAH! AND HAVE RIGHTS. YEAH." REPEAT. IF YOU CAN BORROW, BONGOS (THEY ARE PRETTY EXPENISVE, BUT YOU MIGHT FIND SOME AT A PAWN SHOP FOR CHEAPER), DO SO.

81. Wear a hat with a long peacock feather to church and work. If you do neither, I still commend you for thinking about it.

82. Remove your shoes on airplanes, in theatres, in class, church, and the cafateria. Say, "I smell Fritos."

83. Go fishing with sink-bait in indoor fountains.

84. Use "kill" in every third sentence.

85. Smash the lightest aluminum cans as if it was a great feat of macho in public, then tear them apart. Gunt. Spit.

86. Tell people that Elvis Presley was really one of the Beatles. That he was your personal friend next to Ann.

87. Roll one pant leg up five times. Walk the walk.

88. Say dusche-bag and jerk-wad a lot.

89. Spread or start unfounded rumors.

90. Mimic Slick Willy's accent and offer cigars to fat-ish, cute, young brunettes, with a wink.

91. Mimic people's accents wherever you are and say, "You'ze guy'ze have stooopid sounding hick accents. No wonder we won the war, WE won the War, didn't we?" Do this with a Japanese-ish accent.

92. Play like you are intelligent.

93. Say, "Dumb cunts," at one Daughter's of American Revolution meeting. If challenged, just act perplexed and say, "You misunderstood me, I said, 'It doesn't count! Ya dumb old cunt." If you get cornered in an unpleasant lynching sort of way, say, " Academically speaking, I was merely referring to the Greek word for vagaina, which is cunni, you see, as in the word cunnilingus. Besides I really like cunt--not the word, oh never mind, but please make the rope tighter."

"But you must admit that it has a hard time speaking, at least verbally, which technically really does mean that it is 'dumb. Understand me, huh, huh." Run fast. They're mostly old and can't keep up with you, unless you are old too, in which case you might just want to skip this whole antic, and try to get a date instead.

94. Point your finger at the person approaching you in the office ands smack your inner cheeks, wink and blow the smoke off. "YOU DA Man," could go with this.

95. Show your ignorance of political processes by saying, "I vote the man, not the party."

96. Say that Anne Coulter is a hot babe, and you love her hair and her intellect. Isn't she a babe alright though . . . I wonder if I explained that I AM A DISABLED VET, IF SHE WOULD SEND MESOME SOILED WHITE PANTIES.

97. Speak only in cliche's or lines from songs. It's not hard.

98. Get into the middle of a sports discussion and cite obscure but incorrect stats and former non-famous plays and talk about other's favorite players drug addictions and use of steroids that you read in last weeks Sports Illustrated. If anyone catches you, which is unlikely, just say queerbait and walk away disgustedly. Listen carefully for rapidly approaching footsteps, count to three and turn and kick someone's kneecap.

99. Come out of the public restroom to your waiting entourage smelling of your hands. Then smell of your armpits and say, "Gee whiz, is that you or me?"

100. Tell someone that their job could be done by well-directed apes, and ask why don't they get a real job.

101. Call someone's BMW a Mercedes wannabe. Call the driver a yuppy jet-setter wanna be. Call their kids prep-wannabe's, and their dogs mutt-wannabe's. Tell them that you had to eat a dog like their's once in the Phillipeans, and that she didn't taste half bad. But that you got a terrible case of worms from so doing. Scratch your butt. Reassure them that it is only natural to wannabe something. That indeed you might stoop to such measure were you met with such misfortune as being him.

Capital D depression

I have posted on this subject before, but I feel it is worthy of further discussion. Depression is a disease. I feel that it is unfortunatethat they call it Depression. They used to differentiate it from the blues by calling it Clinical Depression. Now they use Major Depression. Still many people still get it confused with little "D" depression, which is not a disease, but is merely a passing mood.

Karen Carpenter may have sung about Rainy Days and Mondays Getting her Down. She didn't write the song, but I feel sure she felt it. She also sufferred Major, Capital D depression. It was said to be behind her eating disorders and so at least indirectly killed her. Major depression is life threathening in several ways.

Major depression, the disease, is more than the blues. It may or may not be triggered by a sad event. It doesn't necessarily denote sadness, but sometimes does. There are chemicals and nervous system and brain structures some of which are called nuerotransmaitters, other called nueroreceptors, others pathways or synaps, and still others words that I can't say, let alone spell.

When I was younger, I had an emplyee who in retrospect sufferred Major depression. Ihad a little pick-me-up technique that worked for me when I was in a bad mood. It's a good technique; it involves taking an index card and over a period of time writing down key words that will cause you to recall little and big successes that you've had in life. You can also write down places that make you feel good that you have trqaveled to, or people that make you feel good. Often at the end of a week, traveling home on a lte plane after a horendous week, I couldn't turn it off and would be in a bad mood. Icould pull my card out and start to recalol events and people and places and in no time I would feel veryt well--ready to go home to my family and have a good weekend.

I turned many people on to this original idea that had done wonders for me. But this particular employee simply said that she couldn't think of any good times. I didn't believe her. Everyone has good times. I eventually moved on and lost touch with this person. In retrospect, this person sufferred Major Depression. I just didn't understand. Indeed she had probably experienced many wonderful times in her life, but the chemicals and mechanisms in her brain that engendered good feelings were broken. She truely probably could not remember or muster one good feeling. Bless her heart, ifI had only known.

I should have known, because I have at times felt the same way. Depression tends to run in families. I had had bouts of depression without knowing what they were. I merely thought life sucked at the moment and took steps or merely waiting, feeling intuitively that things would get better. They mostly did.

Major Depression is severe, when it doesn't go away within a few weeks. It may be triggered by grief, job loss, physical health problems, distorted outlook, etc. Or it may be triggerred by the seasons. Or it may be triggered by nothing at all. You just get in a major negative funk and for whater reason it just won't go away. People so afflicted, sometimes go to bed except to pee or eat, if for that. Sometimes people, especially those who havenot one to care for them, like the aged and the homeless, just fade away and die from self neglect or complications thereof.

People, inexperienced with this disease, often acuse the Depressed of being lazy, or drowning in self pity, or sulking. they deride them and try every logical thing to get them to rally. Depression is no more logical than is cancer, abroken leg, or diabetes. The condition needs treatment. The worst thing a caregiver can do is further put the person down, who probably doesn't understant the condition either. Feeling worthless, a very high percentage of depressed people take their own lives.

I referring to Depression here. But there are a multitude of emotional things that can cause a person to become dysfunctional. Most of society cuts them very little slack, unless of course, they experience an episode of such themselves. Then they are more likely to understand.

There are three primary treatment modes that are in current use. One is the use of anti-depressants which have their downside of altering personality , robbing creativity, etc. But it is usually preferable to death. Second and in tandom with the first is counsellin. Counselling trains the depressed person to change their distorted automatic thoughts about life to more realistic, coping thought patterns. This can have amazing results. My little card idea was an attempt at this, but it simply didn't go far enough. This type of therapy is referred to as Cognitive Therapy. Cognitive means thoughts. so it is really about changing the way we think, which in turn, stimulates the production of happy chemicals within us.

The third type of therapy may only loosely be referred to as therapy, but it is very important. It involves the family, a support group, or the people who most often surround the depressed person, educating themselvesand adopting the correct method of dealing with them. This can be very challenging as it is often counter-intuitive. Such a supporting role requires positive thinking, understanding, encouragement, suggestions of things to get the person up and about and doing things they once enjoyed. But pressure, condemnation, stress-inducing behavior of any kind, or similar tactics simply make mattersworse. The depressed patient realizes a failure to understand their plight, and not wanting to feel the guilt of causing others more morblems, will erely retreat further into themselves.
If the patient perceives that his is a burden onothers or has other negative perceptions, it may lead to suicide.

It is only within the last twentyor so years that much understanding of mental illness, including Depression has come to light. More and better treatments are continually being discovered. Some are betterthan other and some work for some people and not others. No real generalizations can be made about treatment other than, some kind of treatment needs to be embarked upon. Letting societal distorion that date back to the advent of Insane Isilums muct be overcome. There is,or should be no shame in having this type of de=isease over any other physical malady. At the same time aperson doesn't want to accept the first diagnoses or lablel as being necessarily correct. The Internet is a good source for self education. If you feel that your professional is off-tract, they may well be. Get a second or third opinion. Alternately refer to psychiatrists, who basically are chemists shoe dispoense drugs, and psychologists, who prefer the non-drug approach. They wo each recognize the necessity of the other and a good pair can be very effective.

Another caution. Pyschological professionals tend to go through PHASES OF LEARNING. AT THE TIME OF THIS WRITING, IT SEEMS EVIDENT THAT TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE BEING DIAGNOSED AS BI-POLAR, WHICH IS A VARIANT OF DEPRESSION INTERLACED WITH UP MOODS. ULTIMATELY ONES HEALTHCARE (OR NONE) IS IN ONES OWN HANDS IOR THE HANDS OF LOVING FAMILY MEMBERS.

BE COOL

For much of my life, it was terribly important for me to feel like I was "cool". It caused me to act a certain way. It gave me, if nothing else, dignity. It made me seem mysterious and that I had it all together. And maybe I did. It caused me to at least act confidently. And if you act confidently, you soon become confident. I did my thing and for the most part, said screw everyone else, this is the way I am going to do it.

You can spend any amount of money on an automobile. For that amount you can get a stupid car, or you can get a cool car, like a jeep or an old Z-car or a camo truck, or a 3000GT, or even an old Corvette. That's kind of a type model to folloiw. You may not be able to aford new shoes, but you can get some snake-skin loafers from the Salvation Army, or make sure your old shoes are the shiniet in any crowd. Take pride, whatever you do.

Sometimes this behavior got me in trouble. Sometimes it gained me accolades. Ultimately, it earned me a small fortune. A friend of mine, who was cut out of similar cloth, once said, "I zig, while everyone else is zagging." It's a pretty good formula. You must not routinely kiss butt. It is not cool. You must stand up for yourself and for your friends. And you have to follow your heart, as much as your own moors will allow you.

Find me a "me too" person, and I'll show you a boring, uninspired, and unhappy person. Find me an independent thinker, and I'll find you an attractive person.

Don't complain. Don't whine. Don't boast. Don't prattle. Don't even speak unless you know what you are going to say and why. Be kind, but not A pushover. Be helpful, but not used. Be willing to walk away from the deal, the beautiful girl, the opportunity of a lifetime--if you can't stay and keep your dignity. Never, ever grovel. It is seldom effective and highly unbecoming. Just be cool.

A serious Jay Leno

Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....
>>>
>>> "The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll
>>> data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source,
>>> right?
>>>
>>> The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with
>>> the
>>> direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy
>>> with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry
>>> just ain't happy and they want a change.
>>>
>>> So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What we are so
>>> unhappy about?''
>>>
>>> Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days
>>> a
>>> week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the
>>> summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these
>>> unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery
>>> store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in
>>> the
>>> last year?
>>> Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic
>>> Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through
>>> each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would
>>> find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
>>>
>>> I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around
>>> the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our
>>> car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even
>>> send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
>>>
>>> Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You
>>> may
>>> be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
>>> trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment
>>> to
>>> extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
>>> Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a
>>> burglar
>>> or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof
>>> vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
>>> This
>>> all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
>>> and
>>> pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own
>>> cell phones and computers.
>>>
>>> How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy
>>> that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67
>>> percent of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of
>>> ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world
>>> loves the U.S. yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for
>>> what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but
>>> complain about what we don't have and what we hate about the country
>>> instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
>>>
>>> I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no
>>> plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval
>>> rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark
>>> days
>>> after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of
>>> recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in
>>> the
>>> book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled, ungrateful brats safe
>>> from
>>> terrorist attacks?
>>>
>>> The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there
>>> defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news
>>> or
>>> talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you
>>> couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and
>>> be
>>> glad?
>>> Think about it....are you upset at the President because he actually
>>> caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was
>>> failing to kiss your sorry, ungrateful behind every day.
>>>
>>> Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
>>> volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.
>>> There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
>>> They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
>>> discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case
>>> scenario, a
>>> ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
>>>
>>> So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of
>>> Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds
>>> it
>>> leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash
>>> with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the
>>> corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit
>>> corporations. They offer what sells and when criticized, try to defend
>>> their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why
>>> they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about
>>> how
>>> he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this
>>> way......Insane!
>>>
>>> Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off
>>> the
>>> TV, burn Newsweek and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird
>>> cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is
>>> exponentially more good than bad.
>>>
>>> We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God
>>> several
>>> times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative."
>>>
>>> "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
>>> severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
>>> with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is
>>> a
>>> good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
>>>
>>> Jay Leno
>>>
>>> Please keep this in circulation. There are so many people that need to
>>> read this and grasp the truth of it all. I'm trying to work on it
>>> myself....let's all try harder.....we have so much to be grateful
>>> for...let's focus more on our blessings !!!!!.
>>>